


Ashes

by koalathebear



Series: The Expanse: Missing Scenes [8]
Category: The Expanse (TV), The Expanse Series - James S. A. Corey
Genre: F/M, Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-09-23 18:53:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9671618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koalathebear/pseuds/koalathebear
Summary: I really enjoyed Babylon's Ashes - thoughtshere, so this fic is a series of scribbles inspired/prompted by different parts of Babylon's Ashes. It won't be very, very shippy as I am trying to keep it canon-compliant but also as a pre-cursor to my earlier (very shippy) ficRedemption.  Spoilers for the books of course!Some of the scribbles will be longer than others.





	1. The Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompted by this bit: "The only things that kept Holden from feeling perfectly comfortable were the silence that came from the powered-down reactor and the ghostlike presence of Clarissa Mao."

"I know my being here makes him uncomfortable," Clarissa told Naomi as she stood with her in engineering. Amos was up on the operations deck with the others and had asked Clarissa to help Naomi with repairs on a stubborn circuit board that needed her more deft touch.

Naomi didn't try to lie and shrugged. "Give him time. The fact that he lets you stay is a big deal … "

"Because Amos asked him to let me stay …"

"And me. I want you to stay, too," Naomi told her, handing her the soldering iron and standing back to watch Clarissa at work. The younger woman pulled her protective mask down over her face and worked swiftly, her hands moving deftly and very deliberately.

"Bobbie's here now – you've got another female around for company…" Clarissa offered, even though there was a warmth flickering in her breast at Naomi's words. It meant a lot to her that Naomi Nagata didn't hate having her there. That she had forgiven her.

Naomi smiled. "Not just that – good to have another grease monkey around. Amos is good but sometimes he thinks he can bludgeon things into working again … you're more … subtle. , Amos said it was you who tracked down the bad coupler that was making the machine shop lights dim – nice work."

Clarissa ducked her head, a faint colour in her pale cheeks at the compliment. High praise indeed from the likes of Naomi.

"Thank you," she told Naomi softly. "I know it's not easy having me onboard … I'm not sure it will ever be …"

"It will be," Naomi told her firmly. "He'll learn that people can change." There was a quality to her voice that made Clarissa stare at her sharply, eyes narrowing.

She didn't want to say that Clarissa's efforts to conceal herself, blend into the background, flit unseen around the _Roci_ actually made Holden even more unsettled because he never knew precisely where she was and what she was doing. 

"Just hang in there … he'll come around."

"Thank you," Clarissa told her firmly.

"No problems. When you have time – take a look at the hydraulic lift in medical would you? I thought I heard a rattle there yesterday and of all things onboard, we can't afford to have anything go wrong in med bay."

"What about the coffee machine?" Clarissa asked and Naomi smiled. It was the first time she'd ever heard the younger woman make a joke.

"Apart from the coffee machine," she corrected. "You keep helping Amos keep that machine running the way you have and Jim will let you stay around forever."


	2. Kibble and Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompted by the fact that we learn that Clarissa only eats kibble and water.

_Voices filtered to him from the galley: Amos’ affable rumble and the thinner, reedy sound of Clarissa’s voice._  
\- Babylon's Ashes, Chapter 3.

Amos felt his stomach grumble audibly and decided it was time to take a break. He headed towards the galley where Peaches was sitting alone eating. She ate what she had always eaten since coming onboard - kibble and water. Prison fare.

Everyone on the crew had noticed but no one had remarked on it. Instead, they'd eat their rich, cheese-laden feasts, an abundance of vegetables and dishes flavoured with exotic spices and herbs … as Clarissa sat quietly on the side eating her plain food, her dark hair falling over her pale face. When she worked, she pulled her hair back from her face but other times, she kept her hair loose, using it like a veil to hide her face from the others, as if by doing so she could mask her very presence.

She shovelled a last spoonful of the kibble into her mouth as Amos entered the galley and nodded at him, rising to her feet, putting away her bowl and spoon, wiping down the tables and benches, checking the status of the air filters, clearing the recycler feed. 

Maybe Clarissa had the right of it. Food supplies were getting thin on Ceres. Supplies were going to be thin all through the Belt, and now the inner planets too. Any of the complex organics that Earth used to supply could be synthesised in labs or grown in hydroponics on Ganymede and Ceres and Pallas. The touristy resorts on Titan. The problem, he thought as he watched Clarissa replacing the injection nozzle on the coffee machine, was capacity. They could make anything, but they couldn’t make it all at once. Humanity could probably get by on the minimum until there was a way to increase production but a hall of a lot of people living on the margin wouldn’t make it – not just on Earth but in the Belt, too.

"Why don't you take a seat – share my toast?" he offered, gesturing at his food that was slathered with real butter, topped with real ham and cheese. There was a flicker of yearning in her dark eyes before she composed herself.

She shook her head, a faint smile on her pale, full mouth. "No, I've just eaten – but thanks," she replied quietly.

"You haven't eaten anything except kibble and water since you've been onboard … " 

Her dark eyes widened slightly at his observation but she said nothing in reply. 

"You work just like the rest of us, Peaches. You're a member of the crew – you have a right to eat the food." He meant it.

_But I don't deserve it._

Words unspoken lingered in the air between them and Amos' brow furrowed in an attempt to understand her motivations.

"Naomi says this is some kind of punishment shit … penance like the monks on Earth used to do. That what you doing?" he demanded. 

"I'm not whipping myself if that’s what you're asking," she replied, a faintly provocative tilt to her mouth and he slanted a grin at her.

"Depends what you're in to I suppose," he retorted. "Anyway, have a sit," he invited her, gesturing at the spot across from him and she hesitated and then slid into the seat. She had pulled her hair back up into the thick pony tail that swung jauntily when she moved her head.

He caught a flicker of a glance at his toast and he held it before her tantalisingly. "Smells good, right?" he teased her, watching her swallow hard but shake her head emphatically.

"No, it's your food," she told him hoarsely, watching as he took a big bite of the toast, the melted cheese sliding into his mouth, delicious and hot.

"Go on," he told her, holding it to her lips and after a moment's hesitation she opened her mouth and took a bite. She closed her eyes and chewed slowly, savouring it … she hadn't had such rich tasting food in a very long time … When she opened her eyes again, Amos was staring at her, his eyes dark and unreadable. 

"Like it?" he asked her, his voice a little thick and harsh.

She nodded swallowing slowly but shaking her head when he offered her another bite. "You need to eat more – build up your strength…"

"I'm doing good," she protested. Her black market implants were making her less nauseated, she was much stronger than she had been. "Anyway, I'd better head back up to engineering," she told him, rising to her feet. 

Amos watched her leave, a muscle throbbing in his jaw. He'd never seen a woman display such transports of ecstasy from eating melted cheese on toast …


	3. Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompted by Clarissa's mantra: "I have killed, but I am not a killer …because a killer is a monster …and monsters aren’t afraid."

"Wake up. There are no monsters around …" Amos' voice was calm but authoritative, cutting through the nightmare.

Her hands flailed through the air, digging through something repulsive in a vain attempt to reach someone buried in it before he or she ran out of air. 

Amos caught one of her hands before it could strike him in the face. "I'm here, Peaches," he told her firmly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes staring through the darkness of her quarters into his concerned face.

"No need to apologise."

"Was I really loud?"

"Kinda," he told her. She didn't have nightmares every night, but when she did they were loud, as they'd been tonight. A keening, Banshee-like scream that rang up and down the hallways of the _Roci_. "What was that you were saying at the end?" he asked her gently.

"I have killed, but I am not a killer because a killer is a monster, and monsters aren’t afraid," she recited back to him and he stared at her and gripped her hand tightly in his.

"That's right," he told her bracingly. "No fucking monsters onboard the _Roci_ …"

She exhaled slowly, trying to calm her heartbeat. "I'm ok now," she told him and he nodded and left the room and Clarissa closed her eyes. She’d never spoken the words aloud before now. Never written them down. They’d become her words of power, a private prayer too sacred to give form ... She had gone back to them when she needed them and now? 

Now she'd spoken them aloud to Amos ... She knew that meant something. She just wasn't sure what …


	4. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during chapter 7 of Babylon's Ashes when Clarissa is injured and then wakes up in the medical bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 was kind of freaky to be honest because it was so close to my fic [Infinite](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8305997/chapters/19020017) in which a repair job goes bad and Clarissa goes flying - spinning out into space and thinks that that's how she's going to die ... I won't lie - I'm happy that my head canon isn't entirely inconsistent with canon :)

_This was it. This was how she died. The idea was weirdly consoling. She’d end here, under billions of stars. In the unending, unshielded light of the sun, fighting for her friends. It felt bright, like a hero’s death. Not the cold fading away on a hard, gray cot in the prison infirmary she’d expected. How strange that this should feel like victory._

Clarissa watched uncomprehending, until a hand grabbed her uninjured shoulder and an arm looped across her back. In the bright sunlight, the other suit’s helmet was opaque. She didn’t understand what had happened until she heard the voice over her radio.

“It’s all right,” Holden said. “I’ve got you.”

*

Clarissa was digging through slick, black mud-sticky shit, trying to get down to where someone was buried. She had to hurry, because they were running out of air. In the dream, she could feel the wet cold against her fingers, the disgust welling up at the back of her throat. And the fear. And the heartbreaking loss that came from knowing she wouldn’t make it in time.

A hand gripped her shoulder. "Peaches – wake up. You're being noisy."

She opened her eyes and stared blindly up into Amos' face, breathing shallow and panicked.

"Your talk with the cap give you nightmares or something?" he asked her casually, leaning back to sit beside her on the bed, his eyes not moving from her pale face.

"No …" she replied slowly, looking around, confused and still dazed.

"You're almost healed up – juice is doing its job," he told her. "But you need to stay here another night."

"I don't want to be here …" she said in a small voice.

"I know," he replied but his voice was firm. "Fact is – it's my fault you're here, so you're going to stay here until you're well again."

"It's not your fault. You didn't force me to go out there."

"I asked you to – should have known better … coulda got you killed," Amos told her. In another man, the tone in his voice would have been regret or apology. In Amos, it was a matter-of-fact admission of fault.

"There are worse ways to die," she pointed out.

"True – but I'm not too keen about being the reason you get killed. Also, I'm kind of getting used to having you around."

"You just like having someone to boss around," she told him with a faint smile and reached out and tucked her hand in his. He looked a little startled but didn't pull away.

"You keep the cobbler down?" he asked her and she nodded. 

He set a thermos of tea next to her bed and slid his hand out of her hers. She felt a little pang but then smiled as she saw him drag a chair closer to the bed, sit down again and take her hand back in his.

"Go back to sleep. I'm not going anywhere."

"That's not going to be very comfortable …"

"Go to sleep, Peaches," he ordered her and she closed her eyes obediently. She fell into a deep dreamless sleep. 

When she woke up in the morning, he was still there, head drooping down on his chest, snoring slightly.


	5. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during Holden's reunion with his parents on Luna.

Clarissa was surprised that the crew let her in on the secret – that Avasarala had managed to evacuate Holden's family from the dying Earth to Luna … 

When they entered the room with Holden, the man stumbled.

“Momma Sophie?” he asked hoarsely and then he stared in shock around the room at the others. Eight parents in total. Crowding around him, their bodies pressing gently against his, their arms around each other. Holden had wept … the tallest and strongest of the lot. His parents were crying, too …

Standing nearby, Naomi had been pressing her hand to her lips, like she was trying to hold words or emotions in. Alex was grinning as widely as any of Holden’s family, his eyes shining. Avasarala and Bobbie seemed pleased, like people who’d pulled off a good surprise party. 

Clarissa stood alone to the side with a pressure cast on her wounded arm and her whole body shook with barely controlled sobs as she stared at Holden and his family, the tears pouring down her cheeks.

Amos who had been looking at all of them like he’d walked in on the last line of a joke shrugged and seemed about to walk away when he saw Clarissa sobbing silently on her own.

He walked to her side. Another person would have tried to comfort her. Not Amos. He simply stood next to her and watched Holden introducing Naomi to his family.

"Why are you crying?" he wanted to know. 

"I don't know," she lied and Amos frowned, staring at her. He could tell when she wasn't being honest with him. "I'm never going to see my family again … I don't even know if my family are still alive …" Her parents and Julie were dead. As for Petyr, Michael and Anthea – she could only assume that they were dead or dying on the surface of the Earth. She would never see them again and the realisation hurt much more than the bullet in her arm did.

Amos tried to figure out what Naomi .. or even Holden would say in response to what Peaches had just told him. Problem was, Jules-Pierre Mao was a piece of shit and the universe and Peaches were better off without that low life son of a bitch, although he suspected he couldn't really say that to her. He didn't know the rest of her family, could only assume that they were decent folk like Julie had been and Peaches was – when she wasn't murdering people.

"It's rough," he said finally and she smiled up at him, wiping her eyes with the back of one hand.

"Yeah it is. But I'll be ok. And I have you," she told him simply.

Her words startled him momentarily. "Uh … yeah. Guess you do," he acknowledged. He wasn't sure what her words meant precisely – but they felt about right.


	6. Eavesdropping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarissa and Amos overhear a conversation they're not supposed to hear.

_"I don’t want to give Clarissa Mao ownership of the Roci,” Holden said. “I just … She’s here, and okay, fine. I’m still not sanguine about that, but I can deal with it. And I want to bring Bobbie all the way into the crew, but I just— I can’t. I can’t agree that Clarissa ever gets to call my ship her home. There’s a difference between letting her be there and pretending she’s like Bobbie. Or you. Or me."_

_"No forgiveness?" Naomi asked, halfway between teasing and serious._

_"Plenty of forgiveness. Loads of forgiveness. Some boundaries too."_

"It's ok Amos …" Clarissa said softly, reaching and putting her hand on top of his. 

"No it's not… I'll go and talk to the captain …"

"We weren't supposed to hear that … they didn't know the comms were malfunctioning … it's better that they didn't know that we heard. Besides, I understand I don't expect to have a share of the Roci. I'm just grateful to have a place onboard," she confided with a faint smile.

Amos frowned. "You don't get it, do you Peaches? You're supposed to be one of us now – the same as the rest of us. Captain shouldn't be treating you different. Holding things against you …"

Clarissa shook her head. "That's how people are – it's normal and you can't change that. Maybe in time he'll come to trust me … but for now – this is enough."

Amos was still scowling. "Still think you should have it out with him – instead of him holding a grudge."

"I tried to kill all of you. I hurt Naomi really badly. I killed a lot of people." She swallowed hard. "I'm getting off lightly, all things considered."

"You see? You keep bringing up that old shit, of course he's gonna keep getting pissed at you," Amos told her and she shoved a wrench at him. 

"Quit snipping at me. Let's fix the comms now before we overhear anything else that's going to put you in a bad mood."

He muttered something under his breath but allowed himself to be appeased and he watched closely as Clarissa completed the first part of the repairs.

"Now that would be petty," Clarissa told him reprovingly when she heard him mutter something about breaking the coffee machine in the galley.

"Serves him right," Amos retorted but allowed himself to be distracted.


End file.
